User Profile

So you’ve found me.

Are you expecting entertainment? Some singing, a little dance followed by a stand-up routine? I’ll entertain you, but it won’t be for free. You may not like the price. Or are you here expecting my neuroses to be laid out for your voyeurism? Are you so alone in your world that only my suffering can give your life perspective? Cheering me up will not be your good deed for the day. No not here.

Who am I, then? Though I’ve no interest in being a celebrity I’m almost ‘a character’. I call this blog ‘An open letter to my future selves’. This is because I find myself changing a fair amount, sometimes evolving, sometime falling back and who I am today will not be the same tomorrow. So I leave myself these notes so I don’t lose track of who I’ve been.

I work security. I’ve got a desk job with the Commissionaires, yet I’m also trained in different defensive tactics. I’ve met Kings (well, one) and I’ve seen corpses.

I don’t quite know my relationship to the internet. I have my fans, with my writing, game mods and films. I’ve won a great many friends, and I’ve lost a few over the years. Some of those losses are irreparable, but far more of those friendships are unshakable, and I am made stronger for them. My gang’s the Key Pixel Gathering of Film Makers, a sort of loose association from around the world. We make amateur films, for fun. We’re not quite ready to make a career out of it, but the next stage is making the films pay for themselves.

I believe in honor, and I can’t explain what that means except by way of example. I believe it’s worth fighting for, worth living for. Sometimes I am weak, but I don't define myself by that weakness. What I want does not matter to this world as much as what I have the potential to do. I am not in perfect control over desire. I still yearn and, either good or bad, either sinfully tiresome or divinely inspired, my feelings and instincts carry me through this world. Sometimes they bring me to an odd adventure or two. But understand I do not spend my life wishing I was different, or I had made other choices in my life. I hold myself to standards I don’t expect anyone else to follow, or even understand. I live my life for my life. I believe in an after-life, but I don’t believe in surrendering myself to it. If the gods wanted me to act differently they should have made me better.

So enjoy the show. If you can keep up, you can come along.

- Laszlo Kovacs, August 11, 2008

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